Sunday, January 1, 2012

ix. Talking to Nothing

Unfortunately, memory is more malleable than we'd like to believe as every time we remember something we alter is just slightly. This history of Mandra is something I've thought quite a lot about. As such, the true origins will forever be shrouded in inaccuracies as I'm not just remembering facts rather they are thoughts and conversations I've had with myself both audibly and not. This will have to be, as Douglas Adams once put it, an "officially inaccurate history."

The reason I bring it up is because to understand Mandra, you need to know how the voice formed in my head. She was not really the results of trauma, as is the case with most MPD, rather she was grown from a hand full of circumstances; The two mains one's being a story I once told and a "nothing" I once talked to.

Have patience, please. These beginnings were the creations of a 12 and 13 year old mind and are ripe with cliches and silliness that is often spawned from such a young mind. We'll start with the Darkness I talked to.

I'll never know where the idea came from, but I've attributed it to the line from the Neverending Story; "We got bored so we started talking to ourselves." I was alone at night in Springhill Oklahoma and started talking to nothing and it answered back in my own voice. I called it the Darkness and found it was female. Although I do not remember it, I think I knew it was me talking back, but what's the fun in pretending that?

So the darkness and I spoke in whispers, making sure no one else heard us. This was not long after moving to Springhill in a flat ranch home on the now parking lot Denver Court. The move to Husband Street had the voice follow me, but took form as one of the many characters I would fantasize about.

Sex, of course, was on the minutes, but not as much masturbation as you would think. After all, what is there to fap to? She was a voice. I had Magritte paintings and Clock Work Orange to fulfill those needs.

(picture is the Evening Gown by Rene Magritte)

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